Try Again

I am trying again to write a daily journal. I don't have the impulse to write everyday so it will probably not really be daily but more likely monthly - at least. I was not always gunshy about writing down my thoughts. When I was a child, something happened that altered my trust for the written word. It happened when I was in the fifth grade. I had been keeping a dairy, writing down my every thought and feeling. I was also jotting down the experiences I had in school with boys and such. Well, one day my mother found the journal and proceeded to read my words. She was horrified to learn that her little girl was involved in somewhat adult behaviors. Namely, I had been participating in schoolhouse games where the boys were feeling my body. My mother did not like it one bit and she was determined to put a stop to it.

Unfortunately my mother chose to punish me rather than educate me. I could have benefited from her wisdom and gaining a better understanding of the value of self. But we missed that opportunity. Mom was mad so she hit. As a result of that experience, I developed a fear of writing my most personal thoughts in a space where another person can read them. Since that time, I have made numerous attempts to keep a journal to no avail. I can't bring myself to take the risk of it being found and read by some random person it was not intended for.

That's messed up, right? Childhood experiences can really mess you up.