A Sense of Shock

Shock has befallen me. I can't believe where I am in life. I can't believe the depths of despair I've had to endure as the wife of Kevin T. Adams.

When I arrived at his job for our very first date in July 2001, I shuddered at the sight of this grown-ass man standing outside a retail clothing store walking back-and-forth doing security. It was a premonition of the poverty-filled life I would have with this unaccomplished individual. The premonition did not come as a vision, it was more of a jolt similar to being struck by lightning. It came and went in a second, then I had to make a decision - skid off and run for my dear life or pull over and meet the man that might ruin my life. I felt trapped because he was standing right out front. While waiting for the light to turn green, I reasoned that he might see me if I kept going. Then how could I ever explain myself when he called? In that moment, I felt like escape was not an option so I pulled over. I don't recall exactly but even if he told me he did security, the sight of him outside that store spoke volumes of a man who was an underachiever. As he walked up to the car to greet me, all I could think about was getting the hell out of there.

He said hello and explained that he was closing the store. I felt like I had no choice but to wait, or risk being perceived as rude. All the while, I wanted nothing more than to run for my life. One by one, the store employees filed out. When the last person exited, Kevin pulled the metal gate down and locked it. As he walked over to my car again, I tried to feign excitement over our planned date. I drove us to the local movie theater, Phipps Plaza. He went to the counter and we were admitted for a viewing of "Juraissic Park". Thinking back, I'm not sure whether he paid for the movie tickets or asked for a hook-up at the ticket counter (something he made a habit out of in coming years). In retrospect, who the hell goes to a movie for a very first date? I know, I know... Lots of folks do but it's not a good idea because you can't get to know the person. Maybe dinner first then a movie, but not straight to a movie. Anyhow, I could not wait for the movie to end so I could run home and delete all Kevin's contact information. I knew in my heart, I would never see him again. When the movie did end and we were driving away from the theater, Kevin said he had another destination in mind. For some strange reason, instead of shutting him down upon request, I remained open in the moment and went with the flow. Before I thought it through, I agreed to accompany Kevin to the second destination. As we drove and spoke, I got to know a lot about the guy behind the security uniform and really begin to like him. During that drive, the door to my heart opened and Kevin walked in.

Unfortunately, I chose the latter. because he did ruin my life. He was everything that my intuition tried to warn me of in that split second - a loser.

Why Am I Still Messing With This Fool?

It must be the memories of all that great loving. I can't explain it any other way. 20 years after meeting my ex, I still think about him almost everyday. I think about his face, his silly, eccentric style, the moments we first met. I think about his personality. I think about his mile and his laugh. I think about his touch, his embrace, his stare. I think about his family, even his deceased grandmother and how she sabotaged our relationship. i want this guy in my life so badly, I can feel it.

My feelings for him are probably so strong because my husband is such a fucking loser. If he put it down, it might allow me to put the past in the past with my ex. But he is such a loser, such a fuck up that I find myself constantly comparing him with my previous relationship. It's like cheating but not really. It's psychological cheating, which I'm more than positive that my stupid husband has done to me more than a few times. So whatever.

If my ex put it the right way, I'd probably leave my husband in a heartbeat. But he don't want me. He'd like to fuck me but he's not interested in a relationship, so I don't go there with him.

That means me stuck with my tired ass husband, who can't get shit right. UGH!

Try Again

I am trying again to write a daily journal. I don't have the impulse to write everyday so it will probably not really be daily but more likely monthly - at least. I was not always gunshy about writing down my thoughts. When I was a child, something happened that altered my trust for the written word. It happened when I was in the fifth grade. I had been keeping a dairy, writing down my every thought and feeling. I was also jotting down the experiences I had in school with boys and such. Well, one day my mother found the journal and proceeded to read my words. She was horrified to learn that her little girl was involved in somewhat adult behaviors. Namely, I had been participating in schoolhouse games where the boys were feeling my body. My mother did not like it one bit and she was determined to put a stop to it.

Unfortunately my mother chose to punish me rather than educate me. I could have benefited from her wisdom and gaining a better understanding of the value of self. But we missed that opportunity. Mom was mad so she hit. As a result of that experience, I developed a fear of writing my most personal thoughts in a space where another person can read them. Since that time, I have made numerous attempts to keep a journal to no avail. I can't bring myself to take the risk of it being found and read by some random person it was not intended for.

That's messed up, right? Childhood experiences can really mess you up.